This was never my dream.. A little life update.

It was never my dream to live on an acreage with a bunch of animals and my favourite books.

My dream was to be a medium sized jewelry company, with an office, show room and employees…

I can definitely tell you that is not my dream now.

My dream now is to enjoy life, spend time with the important people in my life and work a job I don’t hate, preferably that I enjoy!

Not many people get the chance to pivot their entire life in what seems like the blink of an eye, but in May 2024 I knew something had to give, so I took that chance without hesitation.

… okay, there was a bit of hesitation, and some tears and a lot of fear.

May 2, 2024 I was having chest pains so badly I couldn’t stand up, I couldn’t take a full breath and I didn’t understand why it was happening.

As it turns out, stress can do that and so much more.

My doctors recommendation was to cut out the biggest stressor in my life at the time, my (day) job. Now when I began this job, it was a fun outlet for some creativity, a way to socialize and most importantly it was very part time.

As time went on, the enjoyment took a steep decline and the stress of the environment went up. So guess what? I took her advice. I quit my job, it put me in quite a tight spot, but looking back I don’t regret a single part of it. I think it all worked out for the best.

I thought that would be my biggest hurdle of the year, financially and physically recouping from that. What I didn’t expect was what happened later on that month.

Something that really made me reevaluate everything, something no one really thinks of happening to them or people they know.

At the end of May my uncle was murdered.

In May I learnt what a blessing it is to be able to be present for your family at the drop of a pin. I learnt what it’s like to fear the worst of people you know within your community, to wonder if you will ever have answers and just how intimately a tragedy like this impacts a family and the community.

Writing about it has been my therapy, maybe one day I’ll share some of it. As we continue to hope for the full truth to come out, I’ve learnt how to hold space and grieve even though time stops for no one and neither do the gossips.

In July I learnt how to ask for help.

I was so unhappy. A mixture of everything was pouring into the crater in my chest, weighing me down. Making even the simplest of tasks so very difficult to do.

Although my family may be unconventional, they are great. They show up whether I ask them to or not. Whether I want them to or not.

In July we decided to move. We decided to take a step back and change everything, in hopes of finding happiness along the way.

In August and September I felt like the biggest failure. I felt like everything I had worked so hard for was crumbling and I didn’t want to share it with anyone, because the people closest to me were grieving and dealing with their own struggles.

In October I was scared. Did I make the right decision? Will our renters be good? Should we have stayed the winter?

In November I began healing. My partner, Blayne pulled me aside a week after our move and said ‘I haven’t seen you smile and laugh this much in ages.'

Honestly I hadn’t, and I hadn’t even noticed or recognized that. I didn’t realize that I lost that joy of getting up and watching the sun rise, or that first sip of coffee and watching my dogs run around and play. I had lost all those glimmers that make life so bright.

Now, in December, I’m not sure what my dreams look like, but I absolutely know what they feel like. They feel like the peace of sitting in front of the woodstove, surrounded by the five dogs I spend most of my day with, listening to them snore while I write.

It feels like the peace I get from watering my moms livestock in the early morning while watching the sky change from darkness to streaks of light. The joy I get from the quacks, oinks, neighs and moo’s as they greet me each morning.

My dreams are slowly healing and I am too.